The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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