I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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