Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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