You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
