I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
