eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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