Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
