The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
