I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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