Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
