apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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