How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
