that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
