I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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