So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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