I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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