I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
