Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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