the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
