A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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