she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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