you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
