He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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