My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
