I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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