yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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