You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
