If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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