it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
