Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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