4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
