He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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