Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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