Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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