The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
