how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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