the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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