He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
