If i could tip my vagina, i would.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
sarcasm needs its own font
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Randomize
