none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
