happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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