Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
