Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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