Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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