I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
