if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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