I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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