Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
