Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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