this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
