I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
