The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
dude. I can hear the air.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
