so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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