love makes seman taste better
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
